Stress and Affirmations

Yesterday, moments after waking, my heart starting flailing around like a bird trying to beat its way out of a box. After ten long minutes, laying there in the five a.m. gloom, breathing deep and waiting for my pump to shift back into gear, I decided I had to go to the ER. I brushed my teeth, then leaned over my sweetheart to deliver the news.

"Honey," I whispered. He tried to crack one eyelid. Sleepy. Very sleepy.

"Don't freak out," I said. Both eyes sprang open wide. "I need you to take me to the emergency room." He sat up and immediately, but quietly, freaked out.

It's called atrial fibrillation, which means the small valves on the top of my heart lost the beat they learned when I was an embryo, and started slam-dancing around to little circulatory effect--quivering, was the term my ER doc used.

I'm much better now, after meds to remind my little atrium the trick of synchronicity. My doctor has ordered me off caffeine, and wants me to find more effective ways of dealing with stress. Let's see: my youngest son is moving from high school dependent to college/job/I can do as I please; I am gone from home for almost 11 hours a day for work; and I am negotiating the unfamiliar waters of "approaching Stanford."

To ice the stress cake, my husband's ex-wife has decided that what my husband paid in child support for ten years wasn't okay after all (although they had full agreement at the time.) Now (even though their daughter is almost 20 years old) the ex feels she should get a fat arrears check. Said fat check falling into the "let's squeeze blood from a turnip" category.

So I am to replace my looming worries in the watches of the night with an affirmation, something along the lines of: "My heart is at perfect peace," or "Everything will work out all right." Not to be confused with my former mantra: "I hope that mercenary harpy develops bleeding piles."

I think I'll go have a cup of chamomile tea.